My wife and I have been active swingers for years and I just love the lifestyle. But I still remember my fears and male swinger insecurities when we first started swinging. So how does a guy let go of his swinger insecurities and have fun?
As a general rule, most men face a ton of swinger insecurities when they are first considering the swinger lifestyle. To successfully enter the lifestyle, a man needs to deal with his swinger insecurities through open communication, self-acceptance, and self-improvement.
So let’s take a look at the male swinger insecurities that I faced when entered the swinger lifestyle. We will look at what is behind these insecurities and how I overcame them. This may not be the only path to overcoming these fears but it was what worked for me so that I could enjoy the swinger lifestyle.
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My Major Male Swinger Insecurities
When my wife and I first began discussing entering the lifestyle, I was full of male swinger insecurities. As men, we often feel that we should conquer our insecurities by ignoring them but this does not work.
There are few things that I can say with 100% certainty but there is one thing that I can say. Do not ignore your insecurities. Discuss them, confront them, and work to overcome them. Let your spouse or partner support you and find solutions.
Most importantly, do not let your male swinger insecurities get in the way of you enjoying the swinger lifestyle. I know that embracing the swinger lifestyle was the best decision that I ever made. It has strengthened my marriage and enhanced my quality of life.
Fortunately, I was able to move past my male swinger anxieties. Some of them I overcame with personal improvement. Some I just learned to trust others more. Some things, I just discovered were not as important as I had once thought.
So here is the list of my top swinger insecurities:
1. Concerns about performance
Before joining the swinger lifestyle, I had struggled with erectile dysfunction for years. This made the jump into this lifestyle extremely difficult for me. I wanted to become a swinger but did not want to join in and not be able to participate.
All I could picture in my head was doing some sort of swap and watching my wife get nailed by some guy while I sat with some disappointed women looking at my limp penis. I have talked to many men that have had similar performance male swinger insecurities.
Even if you do not have severe ED as I had, a few occurrences of poor erectile performance can set you up for failure. Once you start worrying about your ability to perform, the more difficult it is for you to get and maintain an erection. Performance anxiety is the number one erection killer.
If erection quality is a concern, you should not ignore it. Consult with a doctor as erection issues can be an indicator of serious health issues. Take control whether that is by losing weight, exercising, eating healthier, acoustic wave therapy, or something else.
In the article Phoenix ED Device: How I achieved incredible erections, I detail how I overcame my erection issues by using acoustic wave therapy. This treatment worked for me when nothing else was working. Better yet it let me get hard spontaneous erections again without having to time pills or injections.
Whatever you do by taking control you can reduce your anxiety and increase your sexual performance. Once I felt comfortable with my performance ability, I was able to embrace the lifestyle with more confidence.
Once I got into the swinger lifestyle, I found that I may have worried too much about my performance swinger insecurities. After years of playing with other couples, I have found that many men have erection issues from time to time. People in the lifestyle are very understanding.
Even on nights when a guy has trouble performing, there are plenty of ways to salvage the night. You can just concentrate on the women. Spend the night making it all about oral sex and sensual contact with them.
Tell them that you want to make it just about them. I know that there was one night that a guy did this with my wife and it was one of her best experiences.
I am still glad that I got my erection quality at peak performance but don’t obsess about your erections. The more you think about it the more difficult it becomes to perform. The swinger lifestyle is all about relaxing and enjoying the moment.
2. My penis size fear
I am not going to spend a lot of time on this as I have already written a huge article on this subject but this is something that keeps a lot of men out of the lifestyle. One of my big swinger insecurities was that I was afraid that my penis was not large enough.
I knew that my penis was adequate in size and that it was around average but this was not enough. If my wife and I were going to become active swingers, I did not want to feel like I was always coming out on the short end of penis comparisons.
If this is one of your swinger insecurities, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that penis size is not a major factor for a lot of swinger women when picking partners or determining the attractiveness of potential partners. Many men with average-sized penises are very successful swingers.
The bad news includes some uncomfortable truths that many do not admit. Many swinger women do prefer a larger penis when picking a swinger partner (meaning that it is a factor even if not the top factor) and women, in general, prefer a larger than average penis in a one-time sexual partner. In the swinger world having a large penis will sometimes open some doors for you.
If you want to find out all about penis size in the swinger world, check out The Truth About Swinger Penis Size. In this article, you can find out about average penis size, average swinger penis size, why it doesn’t matter, why it does matter and what you can do about it. It also has the story of my struggle with this issue.
In the end, I do something about my penis size swinger insecurities and it opened a lot of doors for me in the swinger world.
3. Fear of seeing her with another man
Another entry on the list of swinger insecurities was my fear of seeing my wife with another man. This was a complicated issue for me when we first got started in the swinger lifestyle.
I was worried about both being upset about seeing her with another man and I was worried if I wasn’t upset about seeing her with another man.
The being worried about seeing her with another man was easier to explain as it was just a jealousy worry. You know would seeing some other guy having sex with my wife send me off into some jealous rage or depression? What if she seemed to enjoy it a lot?
This one was the easier one to deal with for me. I knew that we had discussed and fantasized about the swinger lifestyle and that we both wanted to try it. I knew that I loved my wife more than anything and that I would do anything to make her happy.
If the swinger lifestyle was going to make her happy and bring her excitement then I knew that it was important for me to try it. By making her happy and bringing excitement and that spark back into our lives, we could enhance our relationship and take it to a new level.
I don’t want to make it sound like I was just thinking of her because I wanted to try things too. But I knew that if she was excited and happy that I would reap the benefits of our relationship. I can tell you that I saw those benefits in both our sex life and our emotional intimacy.
As far as the concerns about her enjoying it too much, I had to use my brain for a minute and just realize this is the point of the swinger lifestyle. I want her to enjoy it.
You need to remember that it may seem at times your partner is enjoying things more with someone else but that is because the situation is new and exciting. Think back to the excitement of when you first started having sex together. This is what the swinger play feels like.
She will remember that it is you are her partner and that your understanding is allowing all of the things to happen that she enjoys.
The other part of this swinger insecurity was the fear of seeing her with another man and not bothering me. This was an initial fear I had because I wondered if it meant there was something wrong with me or our relationship.
As you get involved in the lifestyle you will find this fear quickly goes away. When you go to events and meet other swingers, you find that you are not alone. There are tons of people out there that feel the same way that you do and that have great relationships.
Why should you feel bad that you enable the woman that you love to have fun and express herself? Maybe it is different than what some others do but you are not hurting anyone.
I know that my wife and I have established an even tighter bond since embracing the swinger lifestyle. We trust each other with our most intimate thoughts without hesitation. We don’t hide our desires or cheat on each other like so many other “normal” couples.
According to the NYTimes, 15% of married women and 25% of married men cheat on their spouses. The real numbers are probably much higher as these are all from self-reported surveys. So I think that what we do is a much more healthy relationship model.
I would say that our relationship is much more healthy than many of our vanilla couple friends that would be horrified by our lifestyle.
4. Fear of her seeing me with another woman
Another male swinger insecurity that I had was the worry about my wife’s reaction when she saw me with another woman. Once again, I am madly in love with my wife and I did not want to jeopardize my relationship with her.
I was afraid that she would be upset and that it would impact our relationship negatively. She had told me on many occasions that she wanted to watch me with another woman but you can never know for sure until it happens.
The way I handled this was to move with small steps and established boundaries. My wife said from the beginning that she had no boundaries with me and another woman but I decided to take things at a slower pace.
On our first trip to a swinger resort, we met another couple and had a great time talking and flirting. I asked my wife if it was ok for me to touch her and for her to touch me. She said that we could do whatever but I decided to just keep it there without going any further.
After the evening was over, we discussed things and I could tell she was ok with what had happened. As a matter of fact, when we discussed the evening she got all excited and we had great sex.
This gave me the confidence to take things further later on. I moved on from another woman touching me to oral sex and eventually full swap. Of course, she was doing stuff at the same time but these small steps helped me to get over this male swinger insecurity.
The important thing is to communicate and to not overstep your boundaries.
5. Fear of getting too close to another man
Another male swinger insecurity that I had was the worry about getting too close to another man. I am not homophobic but I had no interest in being bisexual or crossing swords if you know what I mean.
One concern was due to being unfamiliar with the lifestyle. I was worried that we may hook up with another couple and the man would be bisexual.
I didn’t think I was going to be molested or anything. It was just that I had no intention of doing any male bisexual activity and I did not completely know what was expected in the swinger lifestyle.
I did not want to be in a situation where I embarrassed myself by not understanding what was going on. I did not want to get into an MFM threesome or a foursome and have the other male expecting to sexually interact with me.
Now that I am active in the swinger lifestyle, I realize that this is never a problem as long as you use communication with all potential play partners. We communicate our personal boundaries before engaging in play with anyone and ask for them to do the same.
Never assume that everyone is on the same page and always get permission. This is standard behavior in the swinger community and no one is going to be bothered by you doing this.
We have met many couples with bisexual men in the couple. I think everyone is very open about this. Nobody wants to shock someone and cause an issue.
This is a good reason why you should actually read the profiles when on an online swinger dating site like SLS (SwingLifestyle) and AFF (Adult Friend Finder) because people list right in the profiles their sexual preferences.
Go out of your way to communicate your expectations and you will find that the swinger community is very honest and accommodating.
One fear in this male swinger insecurity in this genre that I had to get over involves the MFM threesome. This was something that I wanted to do for my wife and of course, was a fantasy of hers. When you do this with double penetration (vaginal and anal), you are going to be awful close to the other guy.
You are probably going to end up bumping parts at some point. This is a choice you have to make. It took me a while but I was eventually able to do this and it was worth it.
You will not believe the appreciation that you will get from your wife when you fulfill this fantasy. I still think about the look of ecstasy on her face when we did this for the first time.
6. Fear of being outed
I remember another one of our swinger insecurities was the fear of friends, family, and coworkers finding out that we were swingers. When we first started, we felt like we were doing something that was a little wrong and we didn’t want others to find out.
Now that we have been in the lifestyle for a while, we no longer feel that there is anything wrong with being a swinger. We now feel that it is an excellent step in making an honest and committed relationship between my wife and me.
We feel that the swinger lifestyle has made our relationship better and healthier than what you would find in 99% of our vanilla friends and there should be no shame in that.
Even with that being said, we still do not want the whole world to know that we are swingers. We both have jobs that may not like that kind of revelation. We have children that are accepting of our lifestyle but they do not want their friends to know and I can understand that.
We have found that it is really easy to maintain our anonymity as swingers. The area that we live in does not have any swinger clubs or resorts so we are always traveling far from home when we visit these. It is pretty easy to keep a low profile when a thousand miles from home.
When we do play near home, it is with couples that we met on SLS (SwingLifestyle) and AFF (Adult Friend Finder). We communicate very early on that discretion is very important to us. Most of the couples on these sites feel the same way and are looking for the same in return.
We have never had anyone break our trust or even heard of that happening with any other swingers. The swinger community is a very accommodating group of people. Everyone just wants everyone else to be comfortable and relaxed.
However, you do need to be smart. If you want to be anonymous, do not put your full name or your face picture online. Once you put this online, you have lost control of the information and your anonymity.
We often do not use our real names when playing near home. Once we get to know the people, we let them know our real names, and about half the time find out that they were using fake names too.
There are never any guarantees in dealing with swinger insecurities but everyone that we know that has played it smart has never had issues being outed.
The Key to Handling Male Swinger Insecurities
I have found that the key to handling male swinger insecurities is open and honest communication. I know this sounds like an oversimplification but it is the truth.
The most important avenue of communication has to be with your spouse or partner. Be open with them about your male swinger insecurity. The key part of communication that we often miss is that you need to listen to and accept their responses to your concerns.
If your spouse and trust your spouse, then you need to believe them when they reassure you. When they tell you that becoming swingers will excite them and enhance your relationship, you need to believe them. When they tell you that they are sexually excited by you, you need to believe them.
When they tell you that they love living the lifestyle with you, you need to believe them. When they tell you that they are perfectly happy with your penis, you need to believe them. When they tell you that seeing you play excites them, you need to believe them.
You trust your partner with everything else. You should trust them when they try to ease your male swinger anxiety.
The next avenue of communication that you need to keep open is with the swinger community. Always share your expectations and boundaries. You will more than likely find that this community is responsive and understanding.
Most of us share the same swinger insecurities or something similar. You will find other swingers will not just dismiss your insecurities. They will work with you to conquer your swinger insecurities and let you let loose and enjoy the swinger lifestyle.